Depression Lives With Me #2

....My head hurt so much...I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I wanted the pain to stop. I told the doctors this. What did they do? They gave me more drugs.This amazed me. I kept trying to tell people about the incessant busyness in my head, but all they wanted to do was fob me off with more drugs. My family were very good. my mam looked after the boys and me. My poor husband kept his job going while in the evenings he looked after me. I felt like a complete zombie. Time passed, and I did start to feel better. All the time I was trying to get off these stupid pills they had me on. I started to get into a routine, and for a while felt ok. Not great, just ok. I did what I had to do to get through the day.I even did housework and baby minding. I hated it, but not as much as I hated working in Tesco. Then one morning I woke up with a face the size of a balloon. Seriously infected cystic acne they called it. I again had to take all manner of pills and potions. None worked. Walking around in public, with a face disfigured and swollen, seeping puss. lovely. Eventually I was put on Roaccutane. It's worse than chemotherapy. I would never recommend this medication to anybody. If ever there was hell on earth, this was it. Every inch of my body was gripped by immense and severe pain. My hair fell out. I could not move. 6 months is what it took. The acne cleared up, but I was left with a legacy. One that medical people will tell you doesn't exist. You see, many believe that Roaccutane interferes with certain hormone levels deep in the brain, causing an unbalance. Leading to severe depression, and even suicide. I should never have been given these meds with my history. Also, ME set in. Another unofficial connection with these meds. From that time I took the first pill, until now, and prob for the rest of my life I will be in pain.
                              Shortly afterwards, happy news. I became pregnant with Anna. All this time, the word "depression" had been bandied around. I refused to take medication that made me zombie-like. My pregnancy was very difficult. I had major surgery while 18 weeks pregnant to remove a growth and nearly lost Anna and myself. I struggled through the rest of the pregnancy, with great difficulty. When Anna was born safe and well, and I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew I had to get well. For her, for the boys, for Pat, but mostly for me. Thus began my long journey to get better. For once and for all.

To be continued....

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