"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is 

 worse than

 the suffering itself.

 And no heart has ever suffered when 

 it goes in search of its dream." Paolo Coelho


Internal Dialogue


Inner dialogue....We've all got one. Not the losing your marbles type of talking to yourself, but that voice in our heads that we know is there, whether we like to admit it or not. The devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other. 

 On one of my many therapy sessions we spoke about my inner dialogue. people who have been bullied or abused tend to have that dialogue, that used their abuser's voice. It's where the saying that if you're told something often enough you believe it comes from. You repeat and repeat in their voice and before long it's your truth. I've spoke to many friends since and they've agreed. 
People suffering with depression can over think and over think and when you're in that negative spiral it's a very difficult thing to come out of. It colours your thinking, it colours your actions, and it colours your days. Before you know it, the dialogue is consistently negative and it leads your actions and your feelings to be negative. Thus bringing you into the rock bottom place that is depression.
So you start to think there's no way out of it, and you hurt, and start to believe that the only way to stop the pain is to make it go away permanently and the voice encourages you that it's the only answer and people would be better off and that's how most suicides are attempted. Not for notice, not attention seeking, but from a place where the voice has told you that you're worthless and useless and it's the only way. 

 It's not the only way though. And we're rarely as useless and worthless as our inner dialogue would have us think. I have a problem with the wiring in my brain. It replays events word for word. Then it adds in scenarios that probably would or could never happen. It's like looking at the same dvd over and over again but adding in different endings. Not a good thing when even in a positive situation a negative slant is put on it. I have tried so hard to not do it. But as we all know, it's not quite that simple. I've often been asked, did you ever try to not be depressed? Did you ever try to not be anxious? Did you ever try to not overthink? My answer? did you ever try to not be dick? 
I mean, depression is an illness. It's just as bad as having a broken arm or leg, have you tried not to have one of those? It's a broken spirit and deserves to be treated just as seriously as any other broken part of us.

 There is light at the end of the tunnel. I decided, a long time ago, to turn the tables on my inner dialogue. Just as we listen to the negative aspect, we can listen to the positive. I'm not saying I don't get dark days, I do, and I've accepted that I probably always will. And these extra challenges that I've been given can add to it. But on the days when anxiety says 'what if this happens, what if that happens' instead of concentrating on that, I say back to the voice 'yes, but what if it doesn't'. Sounds simple but it's one of the hardest things to do. Anxiety is sent to keep us on our toes, to encourage us to look after ourselves so it's important to acknowledge it; It's when we allow it to encompass our being that it loses it's advantage and becomes a huge stumbling block to allowing us to achieve our goals. 
When my inner voice says 'you're useless'..... 'you got ill because you're worthless and tragic' I listen to it yea, but I say back to it 'I've done nothing to deserve any of this, I am not worthless, I am a strong person and I will get through this'. Again turning it on it's head and giving it the middle finger. 

 I started this blog for two reasons. The first was to get some of the feelings and thoughts I have inside my head, out of it. I find it cathartic. The second was to stop illnesses like depression, anxiety disorders and all kinds of illnesses being swept under the carpet and not spoken about. Some people have said it helps them realise they're not so alone, and I am grateful for that. If even one person finds comfort in it then it means the world to me. 
I've got so many supportive friends and family and they mean the world to me, but ultimately we're on our own. So come on, start questioning your inner voice. You don't have to believe it. You can give it the middle finger too. And if you need some help? Well I'm always here :)

 SharonAnn x

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