It's all me me me

“So the fact that I’m me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.” 


I thought I'd write something about recent events and in mulling them over it lead me to think about other stuff and that in turn lead me to think of others and so here I am; 

I recently decided to go away for a couple of days break. A well earned and hard fought for break. Things have been pretty crap for me lately between me being ill, members of my family being ill and people I love being ill. Not your regular run of the mill illnesses oh no, no half measures for us. I finally started to feel better and thought I'd have some time with my daughter and my friend. In the week running up to it I've been hit with a 6,500 euro bill for back rent, and a tax bill of over 1,600 euro, an interview about my illness payments and a stomach infection, and last but not least a brain and CT scan. So I thought the break would do me good. Sadly, a shower of scumbags thought they would break into my home and wreck it and steal my prescription drugs while I was away.  Kick me while I'm down universe, you big dick. 
Despite all this, I am, believe it or not, trying to look at the positives. I'm fighting the bills, and the illness, and the break in could have been worse. The rest? What will be will be and no amount of worrying or second guessing is going to change anything so one day at a time, one step at a time.

I wasn't always so positive, wasn't always so capable of seeing the good in things, the good in people. I spent a lot of my time living with depression; now it lives with me. I was terrified of men, of everything even my own shadow. I hated darkness and quietness and thinking. 
I'm more able to deal with all of that now, but I still get dark days. Someone doesn't contemplate harming themselves unless they've been in the depths of despair. It's not easy, and it can be exhausting. But I've made it through to the other side and if I can do it, others can too. People often ask me what caused it. It's like asking what causes diabetes, or cancer, or any disease. Some people are lucky enough to never have to face it, others are just the opposite. My brain is wired differently, and copes with situations in a different way, that's all; Many people are the same, but society tells them they're wrong, or they're stupid, or to man up. All of which are ridiculous things to say. Sweeping mental health issues under the carpet is counter productive and it's about time society realised this and helped instead of hindered. 

I've also been thinking about some encounters I've had with a group of certain people both in the past and present. That group of people commonly known as Narcissists. 
Narcissistic personality syndrome; As the prossie said to the priest, there's a mouthful.
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding"
Sound familiar? It's prevalent recently in lots of Arsenal fans but that's another blog for another day. It's been occurring in my everyday life too lately and it's an extremely difficult thing to fight against. High self esteem can be a good thing, but when it leads to a need to control others, to want to make them feel less worthy, to have no empathy, then it becomes a problem. Bullying, abusing, risk taking, leading to aggressiveness and anger and threats all come under this disorder and are all totally unpleasant to deal with. They never admit to the problem, therefore never seek help, therefore never deal with it. Having someone in your life with these traits is difficult, but when you have a "differently wired" brain it becomes impossible. It makes you feel like crap, and that you are worthless. This power is what the narcissist thrives on. So what can we do? Take away their power, own your opinions and your ways. Stand strong, be yourself and realise that THEY are the ones with the issues, not you. If someone feels the only way to have a relationship with you is to control you, to dictate to you, to tell you how to live your life and alienate you from your family and friends then get out. Walk away. Leave. It's not easy but the alternative is much much harder.

My overwhelming feeling these past few days has been one of defiance. I'm not letting the bastards drag me down. I'm upset, yes. I'm human after all. But I'm not going to let scumbags win; I'm better than that, and if you are feeling overwhelmed by the shit that life has thrown your way just remember, you're unique, you're special. You're one in six billion, and you're the only you there is. And that's amazing. 

SharonAnn :)