“Tough times never last, but tough people do.”—Robert H. Schuller




“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”—Confucius


My last blog post was on 16 May last so I thought it was about time I updated things.
As many of you know, my life has thrown some major challenges at me these past few months.
The first major challenge was that I took ill last April.  I've spoken on this before, but for those that don't know I was diagnosed with cellulitis that turned into sepsis. It nearly killed me, and only for my daughter Anna nagging me to go to the doctors it would have been fatal. So I thank her for that. I've been on intensive antibiotic therapy since then. It makes me very ill, and at times I can't keep food down but it's got to be done. I have since had 2 relapses which have set me back a lot.
                                                      I'm also going through some life changing stuff in my personal life at the moment. Out of respect for my family I'm keeping that private for the moment, but suffice to say it's extremely stressful for everyone involved. Also, over the past few weeks I've broken my wrist and three fingers, and found out that my dad is not well at all. Again, in deference to my family I'm keeping that private. My eldest son Jamie to whom I am very close has moved to London and while it's not a million miles away, his presence in my house is greatly missed.I Literally feel like I've lost a limb.A huge part of me has been wrenched away, just when I thought I had got him back. But the apron strings have to be cut sooner or later no matter how hard it is. And he's happy, and has good people around him, so that's good.
                                                      Many people know that I have struggles with MDD since I was a teenager. Major Depressive Disorder has many different facets to it, extremes of behaviour being one. This is the hardest part. Not just for me, but for those who love me. Sometimes I look back at things I've said or done and think woah, was that me? It's extreme highs, then extreme lows. I've had therapy and was doing very very well until this recent bout of illness. It's the frustration at not getting better, at not being able to do what I usually do, and at not being able to cope with the shit that life has thrown my way. I'm literally thinking that I must have been a bad person in a previous life to deserve it. Common sense goes out the window and a negative spiral begins and before you know it, you've lost control again.
                                                    My latest visit to the doctor last Friday didn't go to plan. I was given the news that my lymph nodes are swollen and inflamed. The words 'Super Bacterial infection' were said but I was told, given my previous history to prepare for the worst. So I've been on extra super strong meds since, that make me vomit a lot more and wear me out. Again, because of my MDD and the negative spiral I was already in, my behaviour went to extremes. I hurt people that love me, and I don't know if it can be repaired. I don't have excuses, but I'm trying hard to put the pieces together and I hope in time I can be forgiven. If not, if there is no chance I'll just have to accept it and let my broken heart mend.
                                                  I've been telling everyone since the sad death of Robin Williams to reach out and talk to someone, but I haven't been practicing what I preach. It all culminated in a very scary major panic attack last night. Frightening to the extreme, but it made me realise. I need to stop all the negative thinking, focus on what I have and not what I don't have. Find my inner strength and fight the good fight. Up until now I've been an easy going person, but I've let life's challenges change me, and I hate that. I'm going to London later to see my son, and although I'm scared of flying I'm going to get on that plane and try to have a bloody good weekend. I'm going to come home feeling the better for it, and hopefully thinking a lot more positively, and maybe, just maybe positive things might start to happen.

SharonAnn
                       

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