“Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever”



“Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.”



Today is a bad bad pain day. A number 10 on the pain scale to be precise. It must be bad because for me to admit to that is huge.
I was brought up to be strong, to never let anything get to you, to fight it. To show emotion or admit to being unable to cope was frowned upon. Hard to work out when you’re also blessed with being an empath. Something I’ve only recently discovered about myself. As a child I was taught if you fall down, you get back up no matter what. I don’t use this philosophy with my own children. I know to my cost that it’s counter productive at best. I had three children without any pain relief, and just gritted my teeth and got through it. I got through two clashes with cancer. One whilst pregnant and another where I literally had to be cut in half to fix it. I had never known pain like it. I gritted my teeth and continued to be that “brave soldier”. I wouldn’t recommend it. Nothing prepared me for this kind of pain though. Nothing.

Imagine if you will, that you’ve been in the ring with say, Connor McGregor. A full match, where you came out second best. Covered in bruises and sprains. Multiply that by ten. You’d be somewhere near the level. Now imagine that you go to your gp to tell him about your pain. Hoping he’ll help you. And your gp says he doesn’t believe you and it’s all in your head. That your pain is a myth. That you’re depressed and instead of painkillers he gives you anti depressants.

You’re left in agony. You can’t sleep with the pain and you are constantly waking every time you move. This lasts night after night and no matter how many times you return to your gp, no matter how many tears you cry, no one helps. Chronic fatigue sets in and increases your pain because your tolerance is rock bottom. This continues for years. Without sleep, relief from pain, and any kind of medicinal intervention you have to give up everything you love. Your football matches, your rugby, your job, your business. You can’t work so you don’t get paid. You fight for disability but it’s a long road and takes months. You rely on handouts from family and friends and hope that a solution comes your way. And the pain keeps intensifying. Now you have a small idea of where I am at the moment. And I’m not the only one. There are many people with whom this resonates. Far too many. Fibromyalgia is a “new” old disease that not much is known about. America has been leading the way in research for this awful disease, even there this treatment or lack thereof goes on.

Fibromyalgia is a musculoskeletal disease that usually comes accompanied by an autoimmune disease. It was thought that if you had a traumatic childhood you were more susceptible to the disease. As if in some way the toxic nature of the trauma turned ones tissues bad. This has since been disproved, and research has found that it is a dis connect between the stem of the brain and the rest of the body. So called experts say exercise helps, it doesn’t. It does in many cases make it worse. Stretching and moving help, but there’s always a payoff. If I lots today, the pain increases for tomorrow and so on. There is no cure. There may be remissions, but these are rare.

I enjoy the little things in life. I try to make special moments because I don’t want my life to be constantly about this god awful disease. I hope to get back to work eventually. For now I’m just getting through each day in whatever way I can. My daughter is an angel and helps me a lot. I have a good family, and we had a lovely Christmas. They say that you need to feel pain to know you’re alive. Well I’m very alive right now and would give anything to be acknowledged and helped to be a single day without pain. Hopefully 2018 can make my hopes come true and I can finally start living again.
To make my own choices, to be able to plan things and follow them through, to be able to lift my family’s burden, to be pain free. My own personal wishes as 2018 spins into existence.
Happy new year

SharonAnn

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