Assumptions

Staying Strong, Not giving up


"If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person. It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit."



I've been meaning to blog for ages and ages and just not found the time until now. It's difficult to think the last post was in June! Well I'm here now and that's what matters. 
Some will know of my health issues but just to recap, I contracted sepsis in April 2014 from a seeming innocent sore on my chin; Since then I've had infection after infection. My health deteriorated and blood tests showed some liver and kidney damage, and very high levels of reticulocytes. These are immature red blood cells, usually a sign of something sinister. I've been referred to a blood specialist, and I've been waiting a while for an appointment. I'm having more tests and more tests and still nothing specific. 

Recently I've had two very serious bacterial infections, in my mouth. The last one resulted in my jaw locking and left me unable to speak and eat. The pain was beyond anything I've ever experienced. 
I've been doing my best to get on with things, to keep going, to paint on a smile and stay positive. These last few weeks have been tough. In spite of my trying to fight, and trying to do what I need to do every day, my body is failing me. Simple tasks like showering, dressing, walking short distances and climbing up and down stairs exhaust me; and that's without the dizziness, and the falling down. I've taken to bumming it down my stairs at home after falling down them a few times too often!

Chronic illness. It's a horrible phrase. Two words that can strip you down and take everything from you. It sneaks up on you, waits until you're not looking and steals your self esteem, your get up and go, and leaves you feeling vulnerable and alone. I have to plan my rest times, not overdo things, and try to manage my pain and symptoms. And that's without the worry of not knowing what it is, not being able to take anything stronger than paracetamol for pain, or the general feeling of life passing me by. It's difficult to not lose yourself in it all, to get depressed, and to not have any fight left. People judge you, well meaning or not, they'll often say "but you look so well" as if they can't or don't believe you. 

It's not all doom and gloom though. My adult children are amazing at helping me, my extended family do their best, and I have wonderful friends. In the midst of all of this, my daughter moved out of the family home. She is doing an internship that means she 'lives in'. She's my baby and I miss her so much, but I'm very proud of how she has grown and dealt with life so far. She truly has blossomed. I'm also very proud of my boys, both working away making lives for themselves. Both have had their issues too but they've overcome them brilliantly. The downside of them having their own lives is that our home that was once full of their shenanigans, and their friends, and all the business that goes with them, is now stupidly quiet. There's times when I would give anything to have all that back. But that's life, and we all have to make our own way and they're no different. 

I try hard to look at the positive in everything. In many ways I'm lucky. I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and I have a lot of love in my life. I've a lot of friends, a special someone who worships me, and I've always got someone on my side. People say I'm brave etc but I'm really not. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I started writing this blog as a sort of cathartic tool, to get things out of my head and down on paper so to speak. Some of my friends have a chronic illness too, or depression, and they tell me that reading my story helps them to not feel so alone. That's what is important to me. My friends, my family, my little guys in work. They are what keeps me going, they are what stops me from quitting. They are what keeps me, well, being me.

SharonAnn x