Life

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you."



Life. It's what happens while all the other crap is going on, and recently I've found out that this is more true than I could have imagined. Married young, had children young, brought them up as best we could. I couldn't be prouder of my children, though now they're adults. They've had their moments, as have I but we've come through and now have a wonderful if unusual relationship. My mum taught me well in the art of knowing when to interfere and when to step back and let them make their own mistakes. They've always known where their soft place to fall is and they've used it to good effect. Change is inevitable, and when I became separated over a year ago I thought that was a big enough change to last me a lifetime. It was a sad time, but had been in the air for some time. So I put down any illnesses or stresses to coping with my situation, and its far reaching effects.

Many of my friends already know about my health struggles, and my depression but suffice to say the past 5 years or so have been extremely tough. Put into the mix that my mum passed away suddenly just before then and you've got something akin to a nightmare. So just over a year ago when I became tired and unwell it was no surprise. I kept going as one does, but finally I went to the doctor. Cellulitis, throat infections, breast nodules, chronic fatigue syndrome, more cellulitis, more bacterial infections, and viral infections followed including a diagnosis of asthma . Going to the doctor every couple of weeks to be prescribed more antibiotics that made me even sicker than the infections was taking it's toll on me. Also trying to keep my business going was adding to the stress so when my body started to let me down it was no surprise. 8 months ago I had some bloods done, and kidney function and liver function were down. I changed my diet and went back to my power walking. I've done lots of mini marathons and 10k walks for charity but I couldn't equal that or anything like it. So I thought build it up cause it's been a while. But no amount of easing myself into it was helping, instead my body was wracked with the most unbearable pain. Everywhere. Back I went for more bloods. This time the kidney and liver function were worse. So they decided to test for blood irregularities. One of the readings was extremely high, and the doctor rang me. "It's probably a lab error, but leave it a couple of weeks and we'll do it again to make sure. This is very unusual, and has never happened before so I'm sure it's ok" she said. So I did what she said and went back a couple of weeks later and had another test.

During this time I could feel myself going downhill. It's not in my nature to be sitting around all the time, to be so exhausted that lifting one's head is an effort. But I was. Alarm bells were deafening me. Trying to keep the sunny side up was proving more and more difficult. I woke up one morning and the side of my face was huge. Back to the doctor, more antibiotics, anti virals, etc. My bloods were back, and that level was lower than before but still too high. "Take these meds and get more bloods done, I've been in touch with a specialist and she wants this test done and then we'll see" said my doctor. I asked should I worry and she was very vague. Too vague. So I googled stuff which was probably the wrong thing to do, and dismissed what google said anyway. I took the meds, got the bloods done and went for the tests. Which brings me up to last Thursday. I was booked in to the hospital for a colonoscopy. I won't go into details, but I ended up having biopsies done because, and there's that word again, they found "irregularities". Though I was groggy, sore and uncomfortable I was dressed and ready to get out of the hospital in a flash. I then discovered a missed call from my doctor. I knew it was shaping up to be a shitty day in more ways than one (not sorry)

I went to see the doctor. I have too many immature red blood cells in my blood. The reason for this is unknown at the moment. I'm waiting to see a specialist. There are many possible causes for this to happen, the main one being a bleed. Since I have no bleed the causes are more sinister. Anything from cancer to severe anaemia and all the nasty stuff in between. So there it is. The reason why I've been so ill these past six months or so. The infections, the pain, the tiredness, everything. For one short moment, well maybe half an hour or so, I sat and cried by myself. And yes, I had the why me moments, the what have I done to deserve this, the fuck you life moments. The tears were hard and fast and plentiful. At times like that a hug can make all the difference, but I was alone so that wasn't an option.
So I had my moments, dusted myself off and started thinking practical things. That's me though. It's how I've got through stuff before. It was hard telling my family and friends. My dad doesn't really get it, but I understand that. I had begun to think and feel like it was all in my head, like I was going crazy, but now I know it isn't. Now I know what's making me feel this way, and I'm going to find out why and that's a huge part of the battle. I'm such a stubborn person and I won't let go, I'll fight my corner till the nth and this is no different. I plan on being here to see my grandchildren, to fill them full of e numbers before handing them back to their parents. I have so much I want to do, and so much I plan on doing and this is not going to stop me. I want to see Arsenal win The Champions League, and the Premier League. I want to enjoy my life with my children and with the one I love. I'm not stupid, I know sometimes things go beyond our control, but I'm going to give it my best shot. For my family, my loved ones, for my friends but most of all for me.
"It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness."