Not giving up


"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn"


I am writing this blog as a kind of update to my last blog. In it I was waiting to go into hospital for tests on some lumps I found in my breast and under my arm. Well thankfully they are benign at the moment but I have to be vigilant in the future. The tests were a bit uncomfortable and sore but nothing too unpleasant thankfully. I want to thank everyone for their messages of support and love. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm getting there.

Throat is no better, sweats are no better, and I'm covered in bruises from bloods etc. I missed out on a lot of fun stuff including the "jolly in the Tolly" but I realise my health is more important and there will be other jollies. Still can't help feeling a bit down about it though. I also missed out on the annual Halloween party at work. The staff and the children dress up and have great craic.

I am fed up at being fed up. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Everything seems a bit of an uphill struggle atm and my fight is feeling deflated. The thing is, everyone is upset because I'm ill and I feel totally responsible for that. Even writing the words it seems so silly, but that is the way I feel. I feel like I'm letting my loved ones down by not getting better. I want to be better, I can't put into words how much I long to be better. I'm doing everything I've been told to do, rested, took my meds, yet still I'm not that much further along than I was in April and it's so very very frustrating.

This last round of tests have been more thorough than any I've had in a long time. I went to a different doctor because I feel my old doctor just isn't listening to me any more. And you know I feel that if he's bored of it now, how does he think the rest of us feel? I just want an end to it.

Of course the positive person inside me takes over and tells me that everything will be ok. Let's face it, there are people out there with a lot more problems and who are a lot sicker. I've got my kids and people who love me to help keep up the bright side and give me something to strive for. I've got lots to look forward to. Still it's not easy. I need to stop worrying about everyone else, and get better and get back to my cheeky self. She's not been seen around for ages!

I'm grateful to everyone for reading my blogs. When I was asked to start writing them I was nervous. Some things are quite private and I didn't think anyone would be bothered reading them. But, it helps to know that people are interested and reading them and it also helps me to get these shitty thoughts out of my head and on to paper where they might actually help someone reading them to know that they are not alone. And yes it's crappy being ill, but with all the love and support we will get well again.

SharonAnn

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