Spending Time Alone Is Time Spent in Good Company



“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” 
― Gautama Buddha, Sayings Of Buddha


Well it's been an interesting few weeks. Not all in a good way but such is life. My life has changed in a lot of many ways, and I struggled to cope, but I'm doing well. Some of friends and family know that I've been on my own little time out for a few days. This has helped me to realise my own strength in more ways than one.

It is the Anniversary of my life saving surgery. Four years ago I was basically sliced in half and some of my body parts taken away, and some re built. I was very very ill. I've always been told by the medical profession that I never really understood or accepted the enormity of that. And they could well be right. I think I still don't.

I've never lived on my own. Never. Not travelled alone, not gone out on my own, not done literally anything on my own. It's crazy but it's the truth. I've never known what it's like to make decisions for myself by myself. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but I do believe that at some stage in our lives we need some proper alone time. This is partly why I decided to go away to a place I'd never been to, for a few days of space and alone time. There were many challenges for me to face.

Flying. I hate it. The last time I flew to London to see my son I had the worst panic attack of my entire life. I frightened myself and those around me. I mean big style. I had to be medicated to calm down. I was in the bathroom throwing up and holding on to the sink unable to let go. It's not rational, and it's not good. I decided then and there that I couldn't go down that road again. So I decided to face my fear straight on. Going on a flight, even for 30 mins, on your own, when you're terrified of flying would be classed as facing that fear head on I guess. Plus the return journey of course.

I'm not good at asking for help. Going up to someone and asking them for help or directions is daunting. Strangers are not my favourite people, as a matter of fact, people are not my favourite people so that too was difficult for me. Guess what though? I got there, safely. And home safely too. And I went out by myself. To a pub no less.

I have to say the place I went to was lovely. The peace and quiet was unbelievable. I slept for 15 hours the first day. And about 10 the next. Truly a major feat in my case. I had lots of thinking time too and watched a bit of tv.

I thought of many things. Of recent events, both good and bad. I thought about love. I realised that having feelings for is different to love. Loving someone is different to being IN love with them and that sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes we get comfy in our routines, like an old pair of slippers. They may be thread bare and hurt your feet but they're comfy and it's scary to think of getting new ones: But you know what? Sometimes it's good to throw out the old slippers and walk bare foot until you're ready to buy new ones. And figuratively that's what I've done. I'm not the same person I was and I've decided to take life by the balls and go with it. Change is never easy, and I'm going through one of the biggest changes ever. Deep in my heart of hearts I know it's for the best, doesn't mean it's easy. It's a path that I kind of knew a while ago that I would travel, but again that doesn't make it easy. I have family and friends that help me cope, (and a new pair of slippers ;) ) but ultimately I've chosen this path and I'm traveling it alone. I'm relying on me to make me happy. In turn I can be happier in my new relationships. And I'm ok with that.

SharonAnn

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