I'm Not OK, ok?




“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss





I've been quiet of late, and to be honest there are a few different reasons for it. I lead a very busy life. Sometimes that's not a good thing.
I've spoken before about my battles with depression. Lately I have been in a bad way again. I got to the point where I had to hold my hands up and admit that I can't get over it by myself and I need help. No matter how badly depressed a person gets, it is one of the most difficult things to do.

My main problem is sleep, or lack thereof. Nobody can survive on 2 hours sleep per night, let alone run a business, raise a family, etc etc. But that is what I was attempting to do. Why only 2 hours sleep per night? Who knows. All I know is that my head buzzes. Thoughts and replays of silly things, not that important but important enough to make my head hurt. So it continues  night after night, week after week. It drains everything. The panic attacks, the anxiety, the dread of having to face the world. So I did what I always do, painted on a smile and pretended to be ok. I'm not ok though. I'm far from ok. So I took a trip to the doctor, and anti depressants were duly prescribed.

There are many different types of depression. I recently had coffee with a friend who is experiencing post natal depression. She has just had her third child, and is completely at a loss as to why it's happening. It never happened to her before, so why now? Her baby is the best baby and she really has no idea why it's happening. As for me, I have too many hormones effecting my brain and my thinking and I need a dampener. I hate having to take meds. I'm stuck between thinking that my busy head is part of me, part of my personality if you like, while also knowing that it's far too much for my wee head to take. I don't want to be doped up and devoid of my personality but I realise that I need help to rein it in. So I agreed with my doctor that I would take a small dose of my anti depressant meds and see how it goes.

So there's a lot more involved in all of this, much too personal to put in here. Those that need to know, will know and I am very appreciative for all of their love and support.
There's still a lot of stigma out there regarding mental illness and sometimes it comes from the most unexpected sources. At the end of the day, I don't feel the need for validation or for someone else's ok to get better. I know I will get better. To sit around and moan about how sad I am and yet do nothing about it would be far more horrible to deal with. I am already feeling better, I've been sleeping well at night and feeling more relaxed during the day. I will continue to fight the good fight, and take help and support when it's offered. It's not the end of the world, and I know I can and will get better.

SharonAnn

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