Anger

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

Aristotle


So I haven't been feeling myself....so to speak.... lately. Very down and tired and lacking energy. I was starting to worry that it was my old enemy returning. Depression.
Depression is a bitch that hovers in the background and waits until you're feeling vulnerable and swoops when you're at your lowest ebb. I worked hard to be able to recognise the possible onset of a recurrence and was starting to feel the dread. I've been unwell for quite some time now. Infections are never pleasant, multiple infections even less so. And I've also been told I have inflamed osteo arthritis. So, suffice to say I was feeling sorry for myself. I feel like this body and mind have had enough shit to deal with already and why am I now expected to deal with more? I felt that whatever bad stuff I may have done in previous lives must have been huge cause I'm paying a hell of a toll now.

When one is feeling down, it's more difficult for their loved ones; One can become distant and within oneself. Talking is good, but it's as if there's this huge clasp on your mouth that prevents the words from coming out. So this is how things have been for the last wee while. It's a very lonely place to be. I've always likened depression to sitting in a great big dark hole. You know the way out, there are lots of helping hands reaching out to you, but you need to feel able to grab one of those hands. Usually the hand I grab would be that of my mam. It's funny, no matter how old we are, when we're feeling crap, we always need our mums. (Pointed out to me by a very wise man indeed lately)
So usually I would phone her up, have a moan and a rant, and then feel better. I don't have that option any more. Don't get me wrong,she wouldn't have offered any words of comfort. She would have just told me to stop being silly and get on with it. You know sometimes that's what we need. I said it to Pat yesterday and he agreed. And we started talking and it all just came flowing out. I was very very angry.

Angry at being motherless, angry at people who have mothers but don't appreciate them. Angry at having her snatched away from me so cruelly when I needed her most. Angry at my family, especially my dad. Angry at being the only girl and having to deal with so much shit by myself. Angry at life, for making me ill, and making me think I was better, then making me ill again. Angry at my job for being so demanding. Basically angry at everything and everyone. One big ball of anger and frustration. So many negative thoughts going around and around and around and making my head hurt so bad. Angry at myself for allowing negativity to creep in and take over to the point of forgetting how many blessings I have.

How did I deal with it? I shouted and ranted and gave out and cursed and cried. I chatted to some friends on twitter. And I asked myself; If it was someone else what would I do?
The answer? I would give them lots of hugs and care. And I would tell them not to be so hard on themselves, cause all of this is part of the process. I would tell them to go ahead, be angry. Let the feelings come.

So, I've got some special occasions happening over the next few days. My wedding anniversary on Valentines' Day for one. My birthday for another. Both will never be the same again. But I will enjoy them all the same. May will be here in spirit and in my heart and in my head. We are very similar in lots of ways; And I'm a tough bitch anyway, so I know I'll be ok.


SharonAnn