Short and Sometimes Sweet

  “I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.” Everybody is going through it at the moment, some have it worse than others, so when I started to feel a bit more off than usual I didn't think much of it. I put it down to just one of those things really.  In October 2019 I went into hospital for a small op. The team commented on my oxygen sats not being great and I put it down to asthma and we agreed I should maybe take better care of it and that was that.Off I went and thought no more. December came and I felt very breathless. My walks were getting shorter and I had bad pain in my ribs but sure that was part of fibro so on I soldiered. My son caught bad pneumonia and was very sick in Manchester and I was advised against going to see him due to this new disease going that was very contagious so I sat tight and hoped for the best. He pulled through thankfully, after along battle and I guess I just kept on keeping on. All the while feeling more and more ill. I simply co...

VROOM VROOM!!!!          "Never apologise to others for their misunderstanding of who you are" As many of you know, I have been going to counselling on a weekly basis for around a month now. Initially it was for grief, but I'm finding that how we deal with grief and loss is directly connected to our upbringing and our childhood. Our parents are our first educators and role models, and our behaviour and coping mechanisms good or bad, are directly and implicitly linked. How to break the cycle starts with oneself. We can only change ourselves, and hope others change their attitudes towards us. We are only responsible for our own stuff. My therapist calls it "Driving your own Car" My last blog was about a friend of mine who was lied to and used by someone she thought she knew. This person read the blog and replied to me by DM. I didn't read the DM for obvious reasons, but it started with the line "I read your bollox blog......" A very defensi...

Deception "  a trick or scheme used to get what you want" I have been quiet recently, and off social media for the most part. Various reasons for this include the fact that I'm in a huge flare up and my hands and arms are affected greatly. This limits my typing ability. I first joined twitter because I was recovering from surgery and being the worst patient in the world,I thought it would alleviate the boredom. Nine years later I'm grateful for lots of opportunities that I have been given through social media and the friends I have made. I have met some truly wonderful people through there, and without it my business would not be thriving in the manner it is. There is however a down side. Recently a friend of mine has been going through a rough time because of it andI have been doing my best to help them through it. "Catfishing" . We've all heard of it. I bet we've all thought it would never happen to us. We all take steps to defend ourse...

“Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes.”  ―  George Orwell,  1984 I've been quiet. By choice mostly, but not wholly. On 3rd January last I had a fit. I hesitate to call it a seizure, as it was very tame by most standards but I guess that's what it was. Brought on by stress, and a new and eager gp's optimism I guess. Stress- we all do it. Stress is a self made thing, a pressure we put on ourselves to be better. My stress? Brought on by the fact my car was broken into while I was visiting my dad's grave at Christmas. Every single piece of personal identification was stolen along with my phone, money, personal diary. I had no evidence that I existed. yet here I was. The stress? Why did I park there? Why did I leave my stuff in the car? Why me? Are they watching me? All compounded by the fact I was receiving strange notifications and messages. Everyone has ...

"Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes." George Orwell 1984 I'm posting again on this platform for a few reasons.  I find writing stuff down to be very  therapeutic. Almost as if by excising it from inside my head is in some way removing it from it's little crevice in there for forever and I therefore don't have to think about it any more.  I also think that awareness is key. I've written many times about my experiences with depression and anxiety. I've had people say it is attention seeking. They're probably right, but not in the way they think. The more attention and awareness around these debilitating illnesses the better as far as I'm concerned. For too long they have been simply swept under the carpet, or whispered behind doors.  I have been depressed. I have MDD, Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't choose to hav...

"To live on in the hearts of those you love is not to die" In the early hours of the 5th of July, after an astoundingly brave and long battle, a light went out in my world. I said goodbye to my hero, my role model, my daddy. Words can't express how I'm feeling right now, and I haven't even processed the enormity of what has happened but I would like people to know a little bit about the man I simply called 'Da'. I was always a daddy's girl. When you're little you have no clue about the reality of what your parents are dealing with, and I always thought my mum was grumpy and dad was the funny one. Later in life I realised that mum had a lot to contend with. Dad was no angel in the early days, and added to that the stress of bringing up four children and losing twins to miscarriage, it's not difficult to see why she struggled. They soldiered on and got through life's challenges and a road accident my dad was involved in (through no fau...

Today’s match sees us travelling to Swansea, in what could turn out to be a swan song for our beloved Giroud. With the ink all but dry on a contract that sees Aubamayang join us for a record fee, and Mikhi possibly starting the future looks bright for us gooners. It could be however, a future without the lamp post that is Olivier Giroud. The rumours are gathering pace, and with Wenger saying it’s a possibility he will be on the bench, it could be his last match for us.  I would hate to see him go. He’s been a good servant for the club. He has scored some vital goals for us, but also brings that certain “je ne sais quoi” to the club. If he does go, and go to the Chavs, it will definitely break lots of hearts. Selling to a direct rival is not something we should be happy about.  We will be looking for our fourth away win (yes really) this season, and a tough away game awaits. Henrikh Mkhitaryan is set to make his debut in this mid week game that kicks off at 19.4...

There’s so much going on right now that it’s difficult to know where to begin. After much research, both verbal and online, I decided to change my gp. This is a huge decision for someone with fibro. There is a lot of negativity, judgement and ignorance around the disease. It is a musculoskeletal disease, that effects the neuro system and transmitters. It means pain. In every inch of your body. Pain, inflammation, swelling, dizziness, fits, brain fog to name a few and is almost always associated with arthritic conditions. It includes chronic fatigue (mostly due to the pain) and some form of depression. Your immune system is compromised so infections occur regularly. Your eyesight is effected and migraine is also a common occurrence. According to The Mayo Clinic in the US “ Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting t...

“Imagine  smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.” Today is a bad bad pain day. A number 10 on the pain scale to be precise. It must be bad because for me to admit to that is huge. I was brought up to be strong, to never let anything get to you, to fight it. To show emotion or admit to being unable to cope was frowned upon. Hard to work out when you’re also blessed with being an empath. Something I’ve only recently discovered about myself. As a child I was taught if you fall down, you get back up no matter what. I don’t use this philosophy with my own children. I know to my cost that it’s counter productive at best. I had three children without any pain relief, and just gritted my teeth and got through it. I got through two clashes with cancer. One whilst pregnant and another where I literally had to be cut in half to fix it. I had never known pain like it. I gritted my teeth and continued to be that “brave soldier”. I wouldn’t r...

Arsenal v Newcastle Emirates Stadium  3pm Sat 16 Dec After limping blindly through our last couple of premier league matches we now face Newcastle at home. This fixture usually sees a lot of drama and this one will be no exception.  Newcastle are having mixed results lately, and are in a kind of limbo regarding ownership. I can’t abide Mike Ashley, his kind of money throwing was the start of the end of football as we know it, and I can only feel a sense of karma served at his situation right now.  Matters off the pitch no doubt effect those on the pitch and the saga continues for the Magpies. I only hope the buyers are decent and hold on to the traditions that a club like Newcastle deserve. Anyway, onto matters on the pitch and the situation with Arsenal.  We are again playing the all possession and no penetration football that seems de rigueur for us at this time of the year.  Our possession of the ball and shots at goal ...

"Your Illness does not define you, your strength and courage does" Having not blogged on here since April, I felt it was about time for an update. In my defence, I've been very unwell and the last thing on my mind was writing; However, I have remembered my reason for writing my thoughts down and have decided to try to put into words what has been happening thus far. To summarise and refresh, I had a full hysterectomy in 2010. I wasn't quite finished having babies but the need to be around for the ones that do have outweighed the need for that to have more. The nastiness found in the lining of my womb, my kidneys, my bladder, etc confirmed this was the right decision. However, it had already taken it's toll in the way of messing up my immune system and I contracted a very unpleasant dose of sepsis in 2014. I never fully recovered, and after various episodes of passing out, dizziness, unbearable pain, and general confusion I decided to go the the doctor. My...

                                                                                                                                               "Wake up and Live" It's been over a year since writing here so I guess I'm overdue! It's been a hell of a year for me and not exactly in a good way either. Where do I begin? As many of you know, in 2014 I ended up with sepsis due to not looking after a simple infection I picked up, and only for the stubbornness of my daughter I again might not be here. The residual effects have been with me since then, and in 2016 they reached their peak. I had blackouts, occasions where I lost t...

"The Brain is Wider Than The Sky" The brain is a wonderful thing most of the time. It's responsible for the workings of the human body and without it we cease to be. I'm not that fond of my brain right now to be honest though. It plays tricks on me. I can remember a whole host of useless information mainly due to my interest in every type of general knowledge quiz, yet I forget things like my friend's name. My friend who I talk to all day every day, and is always in my thoughts. I forget what day of the week it is, and when I try to figure it out I get them jumbled. I have on occasion forgotten how to tell the time. I tell people things and halfway through I see 'that' look on their faces that tells me they've heard the story already. Or alternatively I forget I'm having a conversation with them and only upon seeing the expectant look on their faces realise that I was. I forget words, names, things, names of things, appointments and a whole ...

“ So the fact that I’m me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.”  I thought I'd write something about recent events and in mulling them over it lead me to think about other stuff and that in turn lead me to think of others and so here I am;  I recently decided to go away for a couple of days break. A well earned and hard fought for break. Things have been pretty crap for me lately between me being ill, members of my family being ill and people I love being ill. Not your regular run of the mill illnesses oh no, no half measures for us. I finally started to feel better and thought I'd have some time with my daughter and my friend. In the week running up to it I've been hit with a 6,500 euro bill for back rent, and a tax bill of over 1,600 euro, an interview about my illness payments and a stomach infection, and last but not least a brain and CT scan. So I thought the break would do me go...

" Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is  worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when  it goes in search of its dream." Paolo Coelho Internal Dialogue Inner dialogue....We've all got one. Not the losing your marbles type of talking to yourself, but that voice in our heads that we know is there, whether we like to admit it or not. The devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other.  On one of my many therapy sessions we spoke about my inner dialogue. people who have been bullied or abused tend to have that dialogue, that used their abuser's voice. It's where the saying that if you're told something often enough you believe it comes from. You repeat and repeat in their voice and before long it's your truth. I've spoke to many friends since and they've agreed.  People suffering with depression can over think and over think and when you're in that negative spiral it's a very difficult thing to com...