My Brain Hurts



"The Brain is Wider Than The Sky"



The brain is a wonderful thing most of the time. It's responsible for the workings of the human body and without it we cease to be. I'm not that fond of my brain right now to be honest though. It plays tricks on me. I can remember a whole host of useless information mainly due to my interest in every type of general knowledge quiz, yet I forget things like my friend's name. My friend who I talk to all day every day, and is always in my thoughts. I forget what day of the week it is, and when I try to figure it out I get them jumbled. I have on occasion forgotten how to tell the time.
I tell people things and halfway through I see 'that' look on their faces that tells me they've heard the story already. Or alternatively I forget I'm having a conversation with them and only upon seeing the expectant look on their faces realise that I was. I forget words, names, things, names of things, appointments and a whole host of stuff. I've started to leave myself notes everywhere which helps. I write a lot of stuff down and then when I look back I try to remember what the hell I was on about.
I have woken up in the morning, as one does, dying for a wee and suddenly my brain has forgotten to tell my legs I'm awake. I end up on the floor in a heap scrambling to get back up in time!
My brother summed it up perfectly when he said it's as if your brain lies there thinking "what can we do to surprise her next?"
The more frustrating part of it all is when my brain decides to mess with my vision; It's not just being unable to see. It's seeing spots, feeling like my eyes are fruit machines they roll so much and not being able to read. Then the optical nerve pain hits and I literally have to give up. When people text or message me to find out how I am and I am unable to reply it doesn't feel nice and though I know I have a good reason I can't help but feel rude.
I have wonderful friends though and they understand. There are funny occasions too. Like when my brain decides to confuse my hand eye co ordination and I miss my mouth with my drink of water. A different kind of drinking problem lol.
Then there's the thoughts that go around and around inside it. How much worse will I get? Am I a burden to people? What does my future hold?
It's at times like that I start to panic and the familiar fluttery feeling starts in my chest and my tummy starts to turn.
Stress is one of my triggers so I can't afford to get stressed out or have panic attacks. Easier said than done as anyone with any type of long term chronic illness will tell you. I'm not only fighting my illness I'm fighting the system. A system that says I can't work due to my illness yet refuses to pay me any income until I am officially classed as disabled. A process which has to date taken ten weeks and is likely to take a while more. In the meantime I am officially income less. Living off the goodwill of family. Sure why would I be stressed? I can't do anything without extra planning and timing it around my medication and I can lose days due to muscle weakness and fatigue but no, I can't get stressed.
When people ask how I am I never really know what to say. I'm not one for poor me or for complaining and sometimes I honestly don't have the energy to explain so I just say I'm ok.
It's not all doom and gloom though. I try to remain positive. There are people a lot worse off than me out there. I managed to complete one of my ambitions this week. I've always wanted to complete The Rainbow Run and I did it. I'm so happy to have finished it. In the past I've done a lot of mini marathons etc but always been in the full of my health. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not necessarily because of the distance, but the amount of pain and muscle weakness both before and after it were unreal. It was and is one of my biggest achievements and I'm very proud.
It's special to me, as it signifies in a way, the struggle I'm facing in my life right now. It felt like an impossible task, with strength and determination and support I got through it. And I know, no matter what little tricks my brain might have in store for me, with that very same strength and determination and support from my loved ones I can get through this too.

SharonAnn

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